I'm not having a big wedding, Period.

                          

 At first I was so excited to get married ( still am ) and have this huge wedding and have everybody brag about it and how I looked that day and think oh my gosh they have money to buy all this stuff.

 Well being excited at the time ( still am)  I had all these thoughts but now that I think about it I talked to Justin today I said you know what I dont want a big wedding its not about how much we spend, the money, the dress how many people what decorations Its about who Im marrying the real reason.

 Im marrying my best friend someone who loves me past my flaws , loving me for me & despite my past.  Yes I want a wedding with the Peacock themed and auqa blue , purple, & black colors and I want the dress Ive been wanting.

But its not about being flashy and having all these things Marrying my best friend is what its about to me, Its all about Love, and Im happy with this choice and Justin thinks the same.

 So no were not having a big wedding and frankly dont want to. It about getting together and letting people know Im finally happy and this is the love of my life, besides Jesus, my mom/dad and animals :p.

 But this is who I trust, who I love, who I want to spend the rest of my life with, Justin is my forever. The folks we do invite just remember this is who makes me happy, who I love  & who loves me for me and wants to be my protector when know one else can.

This is a gathering of us getting people together and proclaming our love to the world. I cant wait to marry this guy. Im so excited! I love you Justin Ray Crowder <3



October 8, 2012, be there for this awesome moment <3 :) 

You'll be the prince & I'll be the princess, it's a love story <3

G-Maws are the best

         Such a beautiful Angel

                                               


 I had such a beautiful G-Maw, she was a tough little cracker. She has/was always there for me, she was my best friend, After she passed away I realized and couldnt believe how much I could love one person.  I miss her everyday she left a Legacy that no one will ever compare to, she had such a beautiful soul and wasnt scared of anyone. She taught me so much I cant even begin to explain.

She was my only Grandparent so I loved her with a lot of love, I remember always going to her house and spending the night I was about 7 and I slept on the floor beside her bed I always wore socks to beds no matter what, and when I woke up I would always have one sock on and we picked up the blankets and would shake them no sock it always happend and we would laugh and laugh and the next time it happen it would be one sock or both and just look at each other and laugh ourself silly. 

My G-Maw was my best friend and had such a loving, giving and caring spirit. Anyone who came across her was blessed and lucky to know her. I lost a big part of me January 11, 2012, she was a New Years Baby so it was 10 days after her birthday she went to be with Jesus and her son, and daughter in law.

 I dont know how its possible to love someone so much but I did, I miss her so much. I wish I could explain the love and what she did for me in words but there would be to many and It would be impossible

 I have no more G-Parents she was my only one and I think all my love for the ones I didnt have it all went to her, I love her so much.

Im sure Ive repeated myself over and over but my G-Maw made a huge impact on my life and I still cant belive shes gone. I know shes so happy and isnt in her motor scooter unless she feels like running somebodys feet over, lol.

I know shes healthy , happy, and jumping with joy. Im glad and happy shes not in pain but it hurts so bad to know shes not here and I cant call her or talk to her.

Ive cried over 500x writing this. I cant wait to see her again, itll be the happiest day of my life.  I love and miss you G-Maw everyday, but I know Ill see you soon <3 Until then, its not goodbye, its see ya later <3

she always loved Elvis and thought he was so cute :) Always said she was gonna marry him :)

Stop Judging More Loving

                                              I found my true love                                         
                                                           
                                                                now listen!


                      I can finally write how I really feel.  It seems most church folk or so called 'religious' folk judge more based on what Ive done. I have a tattoo,(many more coming)  a nose ring and I moved in with my boyfriend. Im sorry for those Ive let down, I really am but Im not playing the 'sorry card' anymore My new saying is ' Stop Judging More Loving. ' I would say only 5 not even that know truly about my past and what hell ive been through. Ive only had 2 boyfriends, My Ex & Justin who Im going to marry in Oct, Im pretty excited about it, was it the best idea I've ever had? NO, I realize that I hurt a lot of people and they dont know why I did it, most had ideas because I got really hurt by my Ex so they think I just jumped in to fast and thought I was scared. I love Justin Ray Crowder with my whole heart. The way I moved in wasnt the best I just left on a wednesday and left my dad a note saying im gone, Dad if you read this Im sorry I hurt you and Im sorry I left you like that, I love you with everything You're the best daddy in the world, and I hope you forgive me for what I did to you and find it in your heart to accept Justin into the family and love him like you love me. Mom Im sorry I let you down I know I did, I love you with everything in me, You are such a great role model and Im proud to brag about you going to college and being such a beast on the deans list. I hope you can accept Justin into the family.  I love you so much. Joshua, you may never read this but know I love you , and Im sorry if I hurt you like I did I hope you can accept Justin as well. You're a great brother. I dont blame my family for being upset with me, I understand that. My chuch folks more judging comes from them then anybody I have ever seen, My parents raised me just right, I know the choices I made I have to answer for everything Ive done, Justin is such a great guy who treats me like a princess and how a woman should be treated he protects me like im the last piece of gold on the planet. Ones who have looked down upon me or say Im a bad influence im sorry you feel that way im still the Ashley Nicole Jenkins you knew before I moved in with him. It hurts I get know support for me being finally happy with someone and being happy in general. Im getting married in Oct and thats all ive ever wanted, the feeling of knowing that someone who truly loves me and looks past all my flaws and sees my heart and who I really am. Who loves me on my bad days and will always be there. Im happy, and all I wish is that my family, friends etc would just be happy even if you dont agree! IM SO FREAKIN HAPPY. You guys dont realize that, or what Ive been through, so this is so exciting for me, someone who finally loves me! :) Justin isnt the bad guy neither am I even though I understand how it can be me. All I ask is for some more love and support from everyone.
 


Date he asked me out. October 8, 2011
Date he asked me to marry him. December 15, 2011
Date we become a husband/wife. October 8, 2012

 This Love is OURS <3

   I love you Justin Ray Crowder <3

The Perfect MatchMaker

                       Dating Sites, Dating Commercials, Dating this, Dating that.
                            
     At one time I got sick of hearing that crap, now after experiencing it, I have learned my lesson, I messed up, I prayed for what I wanted not what God wanted, and you see now I am single. It was hell on earth, not saying being with him was, just how everything went, it wasnt a relationship from God, its why were not together, So I came across this little note, I hope you enjoy.

'A Womans heart should be so lost in God that he must seek him in order to find her'

“ Wait for a man that will put in the time, heart, & effort to pursue you. None of this whole “chasing around boys who don’t really like us and pine when they reject us” business. Wait for God to set you up with one who will put in time to win your heart. How can he do that though if you’re throwing it at him? Be secure enough in yourself and your Father that you don’t need to throw your heart around and give it away to any man who winks his eye at you. Be a woman, secure in God, deadly to the devil, feminine in strength, purity, and tenderness, and give your man a chance to be a man. Let the boys go who blow you off and expect you to let them walk all over you or just plain won’t put in effort to get to know you at all. Let them go, and position yourself as a woman satisfied in Herself & Her life. Give yourself to knowing God, give yourself to loving others, and your man will come alongside you. You will never have to strive to make him like you, to make him talk to you. He will be already a man in pursuit of your heart without your help.

                                        So my advice dont let society or your peers push you into dating, yes I was so excited to have my first boyfriend because it was everything I wanted and prayed for right down to the T, but after it was all over with, it wasnt from God, and I know this for a fact or we would still be together. God has somebody out there for me, and he has someone out there for you, trust me, and trust him. Im trusting God with everything I have its all I have left. Im not looking for a guy and im not worried about it, When God puts him in my life Im sure i'll know. My adivce Pray and make sure it is the  guy/girl that God has for you, and you'll know if it is or not. I thought relationships were a walk in the park, but boy was I wrong haha. Keep your head up if your single or looking, your heart needs to be of Gods Love before he'll send you somebody and when he does keep focused on him, dont loose sight of his love in the relationship. God will supply all your needs according to his glory, and his plan for you. We have to trust him and his timing, its all for his glory, he has our best interest. Dont let the world and peers presure you into dating or because it looks all good and fun from the outside, and because everybody else is dating  it takes work to make a good realtionship last, it'll be even easier when you wait for the ONE God has coming for you <3

'I will be treasured over all the earth'

God has written my Love Story, its just to be continued right now

                                                                on HIS plan for your mate.

                                after praying a great deal, and finally realizing I needed to let go and realize God just gave me what I wanted it was all a test with me and Trevor. I called him a few days ago  and thanked him for the 7months he gave me, I still will cherish him as a person and care for him, but right now were both ok with each other and were friends. After praying and talking to God and listening to people talk to me about the situation, I was tore up of course, but sitting in church sunday night I got this letter and I cried and cried and cried, like literal snot was coming out I was crying so much. It fianlly all made since.  God has a bigger and better plan for my life.

                                                                True Love Never Died.

                 'Everyone longs to give themselves completely to some - to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved by Me alone. I love you, my child until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found you will be not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be untied with another until you are united with Me- exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires and longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing- one that you cant imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you- just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest thing- keep experiencing that satisfaction knowing that I am. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you... you must wait. Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look at the things others have gotten or I've given them. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss what I want to show you. And, then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any would ever dream. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me... and this perfect love. And dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beautify and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know I love you utterly. I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied.

 I cried so  much because The Love of the Father is all I need, its what WE all need, its crazy I even wrote a blog about his love, Its true, I was so blinded by Trevor and all his goodness and the joys of finally dating I let God out of my sight. So reading all this makes since to me, If God has MY man out there I'll get him when my heart is fullfilled with the love of God and God is ready for me to have my other half.  If God wants my heart all to himself than so be it, I have to realize that God has a plan for me, with or without a guy, and in Gods timing, and his will. I have to trust God and love him far beyond I ever have in my life. My life is all for God, My heart is all yours <3 

                          'You're a God who has all things, and still you want me'

Letting Go

                                                                Well here we go again. Tonight at work while eating a 3 meat and cheese flat bread I was thinking and saying aloud to myself 'God I need your help right now, what is your plan for me, moving on and letting go is the hardest thing ive ever done. So a few hours later I needed to use the restroom and while sitting there I was talking to myself aloud saying 'God letting go and trusting you is what I need to do, just help me and help me understand all this, no matter what happens your will has and will be done' So now Im here writing about Holding on and Letting go of the people we love and cherish the most and how to overcome all this.  & Most people think 'oh well you still talk about it you havent let go' Theres nothing wrong in talking about it.

                                   

                                                       Im still holding on and I cant let go, He told me to let go and move on! How can I move on from the guy Im suppose to be with? God whats going on? I dont wanna be hurt anymore, My heart cant take this pain, Im to much of an emotional wreck.. God are you here? Do you even care? This was my cry for help for about a month, I still question and still wonder whats going to happen. Letting go is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, honestly. I dont wanna fully say God is like let go forever, but  still love and forgive that person and have the heart of christ, but when the other person is like move on, go be with someone else, blah blah all that crap you get confused real fast, like I did, and felt lied to. So while sitting there in the bathroom at work my heart and mind got to thinking. Mind you guys, this isnt easy for me, I dont think its easy for anybody really. Possibly saying goodbye forever to the one person you waited for your whole life and giving them a love like no other makes me sick inside. I have my days where I see that same truck that came and picked me up every other weekend or I see a picture or have a memory come racing back and it makes me think why do I have to be alone I dont wanna be by myself forever I just cant do it. God whats your plan? What is your will?

                                            So sitting there I came to realize yes my situation is bad, but other people have it way worse than me, there are  familys that are broken and torn apart, some dont have a dad or mom, or death could have taken a boyfriend/girlfriend, or husband/wife. But I sat there and thought even though our situations are bad God has it way worse than anything. What do you mean? let me explain. This is how my mind thinks Im an overthinker, which isnt a bad thing ive decided. But God who has a heart bigger than the world, a love that we cant even imagine and who created us to love him and live a life full blown for him. So when we get to heaven and he calls us one by one to get up there and seeing his nailed pierced hands and the beauty from his face, and he has to say ' I did not no you, depart from me ' mind you a God who loves all of us and forgives us when we dont deserve it has to say that to his children, how do you think that makes him feel? Im sure it will tear his heart up, seeing his own children who he made in his own beauty go straight to hell he has to let go. He has given us a free will, and a choice to make the right choices and live a life for him .He doesnt want us to go to hell, by any means. But when we get there hes gonna have to let go of the people he loves most. Us! I cant even imagine how he can do it, I know for sure it makes the heart of God cry seeing his people do what they are doing now.

                  But my point, letting go of a relationship or friends for the time being and having a break to focus on God is a healthy thing to do, and if God wants you to have a relationship with that person HE will bring you back together, not facebook, not twitter, not texting, we just have to trust his judgement. Dont even let anybody hold you back from your calling. Letting go of friends, family or even a boyfriend/girlfriend is  way easier than what the Father will have to do one day. Look at the bigger picture, God already knows who were gonna date, marry, and be with forever, it shouldnt be hard to trust Jesus, but it is, we dont know the plans we dont know if well have that certain someone we want. All he wants is our trust and thats what we have got to do, im still struggling with it, yes. He wants us to come to him crying out for him to get closer and trust the will of God. Im a control freak, I was born a leader its why im having trouble with all this, I wanna control this, but I cant so Ive finally given up and given it to God. He isnt gonna stop until he has it all. I worship, I pray, I read and I ask for help, I cry out to God show me your will God, I know you already know what my furture holds just help me to trust you. God has never left us and he promised he never would. The storm is rough right now, but cry out to him and he will calm the seas. My God will supply all my needs according to him and his glory.

                        I would rather let go of relationships and friends even family. But I will never let go of the Love of Jesus I have, I dont want him to let go of me, and Im not letting go of him. God has our life and plan already in his hands, all he wants is trust and an understanding that what he has for us is way better than we can ever imagine. Dont Let Go. 

'You wont relent until you have it all. My heart is yours'

The Love of the Father

                                               I honestly get all my blog ideas from either thinking to much or sitting in the bathroom, its the truth. I have come to find out I am an over thinker and I have a very odd way of thinking. But this blog is gonna talk about The love of the father, meaning Jesus. Ive been thinking about what to say and it all hit me when I put my relationship 'love' up to the fathers love and this is what was layed on my heart.

                                           So when I was dating I felt a love like I never felt before it was like magical really, Ive always wanted to hold hands with a guy, have him hold me while watching a movie and having that first kiss. Love is a funny thing. While dating it kept my self esteem up and knowing that a guy finally loved me and wanted to be around me and take me out was something so special to me. I never thought a breakup would happen. Then it did... No more love, No more holding hands, No more of anything. Completly cut off from each other and It hurt, I needed him, I need him, I need that love, I need his company, I need what we had. But right now its not gonna happen, will it ever I cant say. But the love I had for him, He will never understand I could write all day and night letters of how I felt about him, and still yet it wouldnt describe how much love I had for him or what he meant to me. I fill empty sometimes knowing I cant just call him or know that were not together. I miss our love, at the time it was the only love I focused on, he was all I needed I didnt need friends, family, or anything I had him. But thats where I went wrong, we both went wrong when I knew better and I knew we were getting off track, His love was all I needed, He was all I needed. I believe he was placed in my life because God knew I needed a boost on my life and to know that there is a love out there for you, He helped me do alot of things I wasnt able to do like get my learners or license and just giving me the love he did for so long. I believe God is showing me I can do this, I may not need a guy right now or ever but I can overcome anything with  Gods help. I think hes just saying 'Hey Ashley you can do this, just trust me' right now thats all I can do.

                                                

                                                                My passion for him was out of this world, it really was, until August 18th, 2011 rolled around and I found out that my mistakes and our mistakes had finally took ahold of us.  While sitting in the bathtub last week over thinking things and letting my mind compare situations I sat there in the water and compared Our 'Love' to Gods Love, and obviously I knew who won my heart over, who always had my heart from the start. Like I said, I miss being in his arms, I miss feeling his love, I miss all that, but when I thought about it, God has always had me in his arms, he has never stopped loving me, or givin up on me, His love is always there for me to take in when I dont even deserve it. Yes a fleshly boyfriend/husband is always a plus but now that I dont have it at the moment, Im finally realizing who should have had my heart in the first place, I feel a comfort,  a love and a passion from God like Ive never felt, its such a beautiful thing. I dont feel alone I dont feel scared, I know that when I need somebody to just hold me and tell me that they love me, I know all I have to do is run to the father, his love for me is out of this world, his love for me is undescribable, his love for me is intense. When our relationship came to a stop I felt rejected I felt like my love wasnt good enough even though I prayed and prayed and prayed for him for 6years and Loved him like know other, he made me feel like I was nothing. Being rejected by the person you love most is the hardest thing in the world, knowing you gave up your life for them, and they just throw it in the trash, it hurts, its not fun. As I sat there in the water I compared this, He rejected me, will Jesus reject me? The thought of going to heaven and him saying ' I do not know you' and being cast into hell forever makes my heart race and my palms sweat and my mind thinking. Being rejected by the most loving and caring and breath taking person who gave it all because he loved me, and he loved you. His love is unexplable his love gos far beyond what we can think, he loved us enough to die and give it all. I would rather be rejected by a million guys and rejected by all my peers than to ever be rejected by the true deffintion of Love. My heart is stead fast on God, and my worship is all for his glory. That is true love, that is real love.  Rip my heart out and you will find the name of Jesus written all over it 

                                          

 'Im here to stay, nothing will ever seperate us and I know Im ok, you craddle me gently wrapped in your arms, Im home'